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Hey, watch out! Scooters are on the rise at Trinity – Trinitonian

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This piece is completely satirical as part of our April Fools' Day edition, the Trinibonian.

After receiving many complaints about students riding electric scooters hitting pedestrians on the sidewalks, Trinity decided to create a scooter-only lane on each sidewalk. On the left side of all upstairs sidewalks on campus, there will now be a green-painted lane for scooter use only, with a dotted line in the middle to separate the two directions of students. The current design would use about 90% of each sidewalk for scooter lanes, requiring students who walk to class in single file.
Mike Rofone, a human communications major, filed a complaint several months ago after he was hit by another student on a scooter while on his way to class and was injured in the accident. They had hoped that scooters would be banned on campus.
“I had to go to health care because this guy hit me and I was late for class because of it, not to mention the bruises and scratches I got because the student looked at a friend or something and it “We’ll see me,” Rofone said. “Now I have to relive this trauma every time a scooter whizzes past me on the new tracks.”
While some are concerned about the new plans, other students are excited about the new development. Hugh Cumber, a junior business analytics and technology and global supply chain management major, has a scooter and is grateful for Trinity's recognition.
“I am super excited about this new development. I feel like I’m finally getting my moment,” Cumber said. “Electric scooters are a way of life. I think everyone should get one as part of college tuition, and then the entire sidewalk should be reserved just for scooters. That would be so futuristic and awesome, man.”
Another cause for concern is that the university is discussing reducing waiting times to five minutes in the future when the majority of students use scooters to get to class. This could require students who walk to take a scooter or bike, depending on how far away their scheduled buildings are. The next logical progression was also discussed: creating a designated area within buildings to lock scooters and perhaps even charge scooters for students.
A Trinity survey of 600 anonymous students found that on a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being “that's a terrible idea” and 5 being “that's so cool, I'm so depressed,” the average response was 1.05 . That being said, there is no indication that the project will be paused or redirected, it still appears to be a working plan at this point. Trinity has set up an anonymous Google Form for students to submit complaints or other ideas for the project, but has made it clear that this does not mean they are deviating from their current design.